As a writer, I’m always making notes on my phone with all the different ideas I get when I’m traveling. This is what I wrote yesterday on my 1 hour 45 minutes long journey from Gurgaon to Delhi.
Time & Date: 19:51, 16th October 2014.
Do you ever have those outer body experiences when you tell yourself that you really can’t believe that you’re actually going to do something ? It feels just so unlike you, something you would’ve never thought of doing maybe just months ago, but now you’re on your way rather intuitively. Without having given it the slightest thought, I could feel that I had undergone a transformation of attitude, and I was surprisingly unfazed. I always thought paradigm shifts like that would stir you up, leave you restless because you shut the doors to your past and have to renew everything. I guess that the moment wasn’t such a big deal because it was months of hard work, pangs of all negative moods, interlaced with extremes of emotions that had led me to it. When you go through heartbreak, no strike, heart ‘remodeling’, you need to rebuild various aspects of lives. Stages of grief is something that is supposed to describe what you’re going through, but I don’t believe that you can clearly discriminate or describe the stages when they’re happening to you. Someone once told me, ‘there is no closure, because things never end,’ and that threw me further into the abyss. I knew I had to hit refresh at some point, but I was so attached and smitten by memories that it felt wrong to consciously let go. Thoughts through action where changing into habits, and the memories became a habit, it was one of the things I regularly did, reactively.
You know the big wheel of life is always rolling, and you can never know the odds, but if you choose to sit out and not play, you will never win. As precious as the memories were to me, I came to a point where I realized that I had to shift to valuing my life, my gifts, my aspirations and myself. Otherwise, I would’ve been forever missing out on life, and that’s too beautiful a gift to miss out on.
If you’re going through a tough time, accept it gracefully, because it is in those lowest of moods and painfully miserable moments that you begin to hope that there’s something better out there. That hope, leads you to seek, to find meaning and get you out of whatever you’re going through. There will be several moments of loathing, mourning, dread and hopelessness but just know that it gets better right after that. Always wait for the next morning, the next adventure and the next chance at life. Victor Frankl in his book Man’s Search For Meaning wrote, ‘If there is a meaning in life a all, then there must a meaning in suffering. Suffering is an ineradicable part of life, even as fate and death. Without suffering and death life cannot be complete.’ Another line from this book that I absolutely must share: Man can preserve a vestige of spiritual freedom, of independence of mind, even in such terrible conditions of psychic and psychical stress (he is talking about the concentration camps, where his family members were gassed and he literally lost everything!).
Coming back to this moment, I have removed myself from the past and placed myself in the present. I’m living forwards, and each morning I tell myself; ‘no regrets!’ trust me, saying it out loud has a profound impact. From someone who’s been down, I reassure you in Nietzsche’s words, “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.” Find a new purpose, a new goal to work towards and perhaps one day, you’ll write to me describing how you feel what I feel this night. The stars are shining bright for me tonight, the night feels magical and I’m in such a good place right about now. I’m all right, I’m happy and I’m striving, and yes cherry on the cake, I’m on my way to see two beautiful people who are wonderfully compassionate and infectiously affectionate.
Life must be lived forwards, but can only be understood backwards. 🙂